A quilt in my Live Brave series:

The Journey: without doubt, life evolves differently than our expectations. This quilt is about surrendering to the sometimes-gruelling, sometimes-joyful life journey, of letting go, not knowing where you will land. You cannot discover new oceans and distant vistas unless you have the courage to let go of the shore.

On 8 June 2021, three days before his 47th birthday, my dear brother, Matt took his life, ending a harrowing journey living with bi-polar. I won’t go into Matt’s experiences here – you can read his inspiring story on his blog. https://mymentalhealthjourney.com.au/blog/

To say this was absolutely devastating is a woeful understatement. Matt was such an enthusiastic, bubbly, funny and very kind human. His emotional intelligence, resilience, strength and compassion for others, his big heart and enthusiasm for uncomfortable conversations was aspirational and we shared a special bond.

A couple of months after his death I decided to go and have some quiet, reflective time on my own in Ruby Bay, near Nelson, NZ

I rented a quaint little house on the beach and let the sand, waves, beautiful sunrises and balmy weather soothe my grieving soul. A week there alone, I made some life altering decisions and the vision for this quilt , ‘The Journey’ came to me.

I came to a ‘knowing’ that our time in Queenstown was done, I felt that we needed to find a place that felt like home, where I belonged, I wanted a more temperate climate where we could grow vegetables and fruit all year round and have less stress and more tranquility.

Now to convince ‘the Builder’. We were in the midst of building two multi-million dollar homes so I knew his commitment to our clients would not waver. But I also knew he was tired, bone-wearingly tired and needed a break.

It took some serious open conversations, questions and really listening to each other which culminated in the hatching of a plan and getting our ‘ducks in a row’, preparing our house for sale, making an estimated time for completion of our projects. February was the ultimate time of year to showcase our beautiful home and so it was put up for sale then. We had a lot of interest and it sold within 3 weeks.

OMG shit was getting real now, we requested a delayed settlement and set to work finishing the building projects and packing up our house. We couldn’t tell anyone about our plans as we didn’t want rumours getting back to our staff, which might make them look for a more secure job and leave us with two unfinished homes. This was an anxious and lonely time as we were unable to talk about and share our decisions/excitement/anxieties with friends or family.

All through this process we were (and still are) both wracked with doubt and continuously questioning if we are doing the ‘right’ thing!

The builder had to turn away lucrative upcoming projects in favour of an unknown future – that was seriously hard for him/us, having had a successful business with financial security at our backs for all these years was a privilege and bought us such comfort and surety  – what the hell were we doing turning away from that and heading off into the unknown.

Once we secured future jobs for our guys we were able to talk openly to friends, family and staff about our plans, our staff promised to stay on until the end of the projects.

We purchased a caravan and on 9 June 2022 (exactly a year plus a day after Matt’s death) we drive into the unknown to have a break for a few months, drive around, spend time with nature in beautiful Aotearoa, and just ‘be’. Once we have rejuvenated we will ponder on what we would like to do and where we feel drawn to live.

I can hear and see Matt, clapping and cheering us on, this is exactly what he would love for us to be doing.

So here we are living brave, surrendering to the journey, letting go, braving the wilderness of uncertainty, not knowing where we will land, just trusting – we are aiming for new oceans and distant vistas – digging deep for courage to accompany and guide us on our journey.

For those of you that have read this far Thank You so much for taking the time to ‘hear’ my story.  If you happen to see this quilt in an exhibition, you now know the story and journey that brought it into being.

Technical details regarding ‘The Journey’ quilt made using my own deconstructed screen printed fabric (details of how I make my fabric is here), fabric collage, raw edge applique, machine quilting